Navigating a Crater #2
On losing a child.
First published on MetaBook 4/11/21
The truth is I cry pretty much all the time the past few days. I keep thinking it will stop and it does for awhile. When I'm occupied, working, listening to something educational, planning our future (we do have one and it's all good except for sans Mo). But when I stop, I cry. I binged watched The Morning Show (I really enjoyed that) but you can only watch so much TV to keep from crying.
I miss him so much, we miss him, and we didn't even like him there at the end. He didn't like us either. He was such a jerk to Hal and me. But we knew, Hal and me, that the relationship was salvageable because we knew who Mo was. We had to get thru the hard time, be as supportive as possible.
We had dinner with Mo the Wednesday night before he died. It was great! He and Hal talked like they always do -- Mo NEVER held a grudge. We could have a heated disagreement and five minutes later, he'd be telling us something funny he read online.
We always told Mo we loved him, we showed him that we did, we told him many times that we would help them get their lives together, get their own home. Whatever they needed.
We don't blame ourselves. There is no blame. It was another really shitty decision on top of a string of them. I just wanna go back in time, to grab him and hold him and tell him how awesome he is. I go to the cabin where he used to live and sit, hoping to feel his energy.
Right after he died, I was afraid to look in the yard, especially at night. Or walk to the cabin alone, it's only 50 feet away... I was afraid I would see him or hear his voice and it would be too scary because I would know I was making it up or maybe I wasn't, maybe it would be real and I just couldn't face that. Now I want nothing more.
I've been told to make a gratitude list everyday, at least 3 things. That's easy. I have so much to be grateful for. The hard part is listing it every day and reminding myself of all that I have. It is tempting to sink into the sadness. I don't want to, I want to feel it and watch it roll past, then move on to the next thing. You want the sadness to go but you don't because when it goes, that means you are over it and I don't ever want to really let him go. I'm afraid that when I stop feeling sad, I'll start to forget. Well, that's silly now that I see the words on paper. But it's a real fear.
I am grateful. So grateful to still have my ancient husband who still adores me and my son Ryan and his awesome beautiful gf Shellee. How do people get thru something like this alone? Idk. I'm grateful for my health business and farm food club, that I can work from home and in crazy hours between tears. That I get to help other people feel better, eat clean, and deal with this crazy not-so-normal world right now. I feel useful. I'm grateful for my passion for health & medical freedom and all my friends in that arena. That fire burns hot, especially now.
I'm grateful I have to write it all down. I've been blogging since 2006 (abroadincostarica.com then hackinghealth.us now here). It's journaling for me. I'm such an extrovert, I have to write a personal diary that thousands of people can read, lol. But the value of a diary, a journal, is abundantly clear and I highly recommend it. If i couldn't get this stuff out, I'd be paying thousands to a therapist. Thank you for saving me all that money. I am so grateful.